http://www.blogger.com/app/post.pyra?blogID=8650790 neilsthepoet blog: Are you ever

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Are you ever

Are you ever going to make something
Out of your pathetic life

Do you always have to get the last word in
Does it always have do be some kind of

Lame flame blame game

Does it always have to be
Your manipulative muttering stuttering

Incapability of any kind of shame

Are you ever going to focus
Is there anything you think worthwhile
That you’re willing to sacrifice for train for
And not just work that look at me smile

I thought you had youth beauty and charm
I thought you wanted to develop an artist’s soul
But in the end your self entitlement and self indulgences
Turned you into being petty small and cold

So if you think that makes you a winner
Then that just goes to show you haven’t changed much
Are you ever going to step all the way out here
Or would that mean you’d have to leave your

Safety net and fall back crutch

Don’t you think that faith has a place
Don’t you think that talent is earned
So....how heavy is the world
When it’s only saving grace

That can pull you off the last bridge burned




Neils
11:20 pm
07/31/2008
*
transcribed this time
11:24 pm
07/31/2008


N....again

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last Word--ah, maybe you're right. I'm a fighter--its in my nature and in my professional training. I've heard that one before and doubtless will hear it again. But know that it was never about me having to be right it was about you trying to prove me wrong.

And I've gone into the building as deep and far as I probably could go and come out intact. And yes, likely my self-entitlement and no doubt, my self-indulgences took me far down that path. But I am free today.

Faith does indeed have a place. Talent is indeed earned. Faith has kept me getting up after falling and stumbling more times that I care to remember. From you, I did learn how to take a punch literally and proverbially and shake it off. From you, I learned that my soul is mine to keep or to share or to sell or to sacrifice.

And I fight the fight everyday. But its my fight, not yours.

August 19, 2008 at 9:53 PM  
Blogger neilsthepoet said...

Like what.....?

You have any idea of what my fight is?

*********
*********

Prove you wrong..?

As in:

"And yes, likely my self-entitlement and no doubt, my self-indulgences took me far down that path."

**
**

You're lucky you're not dead.

*****
*****

And as far as taking a punch.

Hey........I've taken martial arts for 25 years...and I never had to take a punch....weird...it must be just you...eh?

*********
*********

You've come back all barb wire, brambles and thorns...

But you're kind of admitting a few things.

"And I fight the fight everyday. But its my fight, not yours.'

Yeah....that's what I used to tell the young Marines in my squad...
It's all about self, it's all about personal ambition...there's nothing of a common cause worth efforting toward. Come on men
let's do something kind of randomly together.

Forget all that Semper Fi crap
and blood brother stuff.

*********
*********

You're really going all
slash and trash and love and hate here aren't you?

Paradoxes still weird you out.

Are
You gettin ready to find out the difference between a calling and punching the ticket on some job card to just pass the time till death?

Only in transcendence...
And not the yuppy puppy kind
Does one find courage
To fill the heart body and mind

Only in the grist of the mill
Can one find the blood and sweat
Does one ever dedicate and get past
The illusion of a perfection that's

Never experienced any regrets

No excuses asked
No excuses given
The breath at the edge of death
That's where I've been livin



Neils
8:35 pm
09/22/2008
*
but as far as professional goes..
Hell...Whores are professional.

But a Helleva lot more honest than all the sensitivity trained, metro-sexual, Infirmative action clowns,
and constant compromised nice guys
trying to pass themselves off as
the "inspired" efite elete.

Michael Moore is a fat pig whore
Babs Streisand doesn't know crap
Bill Maher isn't any kind of funny
And all them could use

A good bitch slap


N....again

September 22, 2008 at 6:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My fight...professionally (and personally) ah, I do my best to uphold the Constitution. But maybe that's overeaching...but that would be the idea. I defend those who cannot defend themselves. And God yes, it is a calling. It is a calling to my core. I love what I do. My fight, in a potentially more ethereal (but no less substantive) sense is to be is to live my life free and with integrity, held down no longer by chemical vices, or intrinsic dishonesty.

And you are right, I am lucky I am not dead. ( As are you, I might add. ) But more than luck, I am blessed. I am blessed to be given another chance, that I might transform being a spoiled angst ridden brat into a woman who has something to offer the people in her life and the world at large--hope, decency.

And I am not a Marine. But I am a citizen of the U.S. who knows enough to know what and why we have the rights we have. Even more, I am a member of the human race.

And the past? Regrets? I accept the past for being what was needed to bring me to where I am today. There has been wreckage, undoubtedly, and I have earnestly worked to clean up as much of it as I can. And years later, it doesn't crowd my room anymore. But the pain,the self-loathing, the fear...maybe sometimes I wish I didn't have to hurt the people I did along the way and scar myself emotionally and physically as I have, but it has made me stronger and more empathic and more REAL. I know WHY I believe what I believe now. I am not the girl you knew 15 years ago.

And I believe without a moment of doubt that there is a transcendant truth and spiritual path in this world. I choose not to wield that truth as a sword of hatred though. I choose to offer others the same latitude that has been graciously offered me in my less graceful moments. I believe that people can change. I believe that the world can change.

I am writing you...why? I wasn't certain why initially--maybe some perverse curiosity, maybe because I realize that, deep down, there is much that has been unresolved. A question as to why I have never been able to feel anything over what I should likely have resentment, sadness, and fear around. I have justified this by a firm desire to not feel victimized. And as potentially valid as this may be, I'm not sure it explains it all. So, upon further retrospection, I will do what I am also trained to do (not professionally--ha) but in another much more important realm of my life. I was wrong to physically harm you. And while I could offer any number of justifications, the truth is it is unnecessary. For however else I wronged you, I also apologize. And you let me know, if I can, how I can make right. If you tell me to go fuck myself, errr....I suppose I will try.

September 26, 2008 at 9:39 PM  
Blogger neilsthepoet said...

There is only one way to go on

And that is to pass it to another
To understand the long standing heritage
That goes into sister and brother

To attend to discipline though it be
Inconvenient and often times hard
There is no trick up silky sleeves
There is no lucky gamblers card

It’s just plain bust your ass work
It’s not a maybe I’m not in the mood whim
Although I admit in the natural order
There seems a bit of magic thrown in

But not by you
And especially at first
You must run across the desert
And spit the water out at races end

Even if you were dying of thirst

****
****

Show some guts and fortitude
Test your body spirit and mind
Be tough enough to stand on your own
And not be the pretend to be kind kind

Then maybe after a long long while
You’ll have something to give
You’ll have something of yourself
Worthy of offering another trying to learn

How to live

But till then I suggest you learn to sweat
I suggest you learn how to bleed
I suggest you seriously attend to what
Your soul truly and in all reality needs

You need to get knocked on your ass
And to get back up again
You need to learn to be humble
You need to know what to defend

And that’s gonna take digging deep
And fuck you if you’re not going to do that
It’s going to take a lot more than a 12 step program
To shake loose all your crap

Oh you could be a pretty nice person
That maybe did some kind of good in the world
And you could probably get a few dink thinks
To call you a woman but you’d still be a girl

Till you can knock somebody on their ass
And then one day have them thank you for that
Till you know the rage in the cage with the gloves of love
You’ll way down inside be nuthin but a brat

Step up for it
Or
Step off

You said you wanted to know the truth
You said you wanted to know the way

Oh I know I know not everybody’s path is the same
Not everybody has to play the martial game
So

Fuck off and die for all I care
Go ahead

Piss your life away

But you personally are shit
Till you can fight

And not sort of

But be a fighter……….till a real fighter shakes
Your hand out of respect for you and not respect just for the
The honor of the engagement.

And then once you’ve done that more than just enough.

Than you can look inside and know what I’m thinking of
You contacting me and asking me anything.


End of message


Neils
10:02 pm
03/13/2009

March 13, 2009 at 8:07 PM  

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